Forgiveness

At what point should a person decide to let go. It is not a secret I have had an extremely difficult year. From family issues to fighting the schools for Owen. I am severely struggling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For the most part, I keep it in. That is the way I have dealt with my emotions throughout my life. Hold them in until something sets me off and then lose it. I have been able to not lose it more and more, but the toll it is taking on me I am afraid may be irreversible.
A couple of years ago, I was in a confrontation with someone and words were spoken that have devastated me. Although I apologized for my wrong doing in the situation sincerely, the statements that were made to me have haunted me and I am still plagued with the feelings of unkindness and hatred every time I must see the person who spoke them. I should let go, but I can’t or maybe it is I won’t. These were some of the most unkind, hateful words ever to be spoken to me and no responsibility of wrong doing has ever come of the altercation other than from me. This situation still adds stress to my life and marriage often. Again, this was years ago and I still have the horrible feelings that I cannot leave behind me.
More recently, I have had to and am still dealing with struggles with my own parents. After decades of dealing with the same problems over and over only escalated grander, when is enough enough to walk away and not look back? I wonder each day how my life would be if I did just that. To what extent would my life have to change for me to be able to make the commitment to let go. How would my life better by doing just that? If I do walk away and the terrible inevitable fates are met, how much of that is my responsibility? Can I make a difference? After 30 years, I have not been able to is something in the future or the present going to change to where I can make the difference and make it all better? Or do I focus on my husband, my children and forget about the rest.
It is time for me to move on, to be the bigger person so to speak. I know that forgiveness is the key to salvation yet it is at times to hard to give. Is forgiveness really needed when the person you are forgiving still does not feel they have trespassed?

So something has happened. I am not really sure when but it has been pretty recent. Lizzie has turned into a very responsible young lady. A few weeks ago when Lane and I went to California, Elizabeth totally step up and helped with the boys. And she did so without attitude. And even more, she has started watching them here and there when I am working. I have to laugh because she is amazing with Owen and Camden. She totally entertains them, makes them lunch, everything. Today she even did laundry.
I have known I have a good girl, but I am so pleased to see her turning into such a wonderful young lady. (Beautiful too.)

Fathers Day 2009

Just a preface: this might not be the normal upbeat, rah rah post I usually write.
So for Father's Day, I decided I would make Lane breakfast in bed. He has been on vacation this week, so I wasn't able to really have anything major done or planned for him. It was simple but yummy. Waffles with blackberry jam, homemade whipped cream and fresh blackberries and a bacon and cheese omelet. It was great to watch Camden who had to have his waffle exactly like Daddy's. It was the beginning of a wonderful day. That is when I did it, I ruined my day that could have been so wonderful.
I have been debating what to do about my family situation for a while. I bought my father a card and was planning on making a cute little cupcake with grass and a lawn mower on it to take to him after church. Expectation way too high !!! I called him about 9 am thinking I would be able to catch him before he and his family went out...The phone was answered by my cheerful step mother who was as always very polite. But much to both of our shock, my father was not up to talking on the phone. What a joke. Really, a simple "happy fathers day. how's it going" was all I had planned. Especially after the last time I talked to him.
I just don't get it. Any of it. I don't understand how a father can treat his children and grandchildren this way. And I don't understand why I continue to let us be treated like this in the hopes that one day he will open his eyes and see what he is missing out on. Or maybe I should just understand this is the life I was given and I can't change it, I just have to focus on the positive I have in my life like my husband. Knowing how screwed up my childhood was, I am thankful everyday for the wonderful husband I have. He is honestly the most amazing husband and father I know. I know I have defied all odds to have the relationship I have with him and I shouldn't let the other bother me. But it still hurts, even after 29+ years.